Marriage:
Communication is Key
Congratulations
on your recent engagement, Cheryl and John. Your willingness and ability to
communicate with each other will be the foundation for your union. As your
wedding day draws near, I wish to impart my knowledge of communication, in
hopes that it will help strengthen your bond. Humans seek acceptance, companionship,
and protection through relationships (Bevan & Sole, 2014).
Relationships, “Cannot begin or continue to exist without interpersonal
communication” (Bevan & Sole, 2014, section 1.3, para. 10).
Communication strengthens relationships and builds intimacy, but to communicate
effectively, one must follow the basic principles of communication, acknowledge
one’s weaknesses in conversing, and accept differing values and culture.
Barriers and obstacles exist, which make constructive communication challenging,
but building healthy, satisfying relationships is worth the effort.
The Principles of Effective
Interpersonal Communication
Many
assume that finding the right person to marry is the most complicated dating
challenge, but even with a compatible partner, marriage is not always a
seamless transition. The principles of effective communication provide the framework
for building a strong partnership. The most important principle is to respect
oneself and one’s partner. Next, the couple should have the shared goal to
assure everyone’s needs at met and work to find sharing meaning (Bevan &
Sole, 2014). Bevan and Sole (2014) defined communication success as, “The
first and most fundamental way that we can evaluate the success of an
interaction is to determine if you and your partner both understand what is
being discussed and derive similar meaning from the interaction” (Section 11.1,
para. 4). Lastly, but not least important, one must practice active-empathic
listening and consider the other person’s view. If one is unable to see their
spouse’s point-of-view, then misunderstandings and other barriers can occur.
The Barriers to Effective
Interpersonal Communication
If
one spouse must travel for work, some obvious communication barriers created is
physical distance and lack of visual cues present in face-to-face
communication. Physical noise such as a child playing loudly, or meeting at a
busy restaurant with dishes clanking, and people chattering in the background
creates a distraction, but some barriers are not as easily detected.
Psychological noise and semantic noise occur when the message is encoded
differently due to biases, heightened emotional states, and language barriers
(Bevan & Sole, 2014). If one’s partner encounters stress at work, they
may be too distracted by internal anxiety and emotions to focus. If one partner
recounts their day using career jargon without explanation, then the other
partner may be lost due to the word meanings, or semantics. According to Bevan
and Sole (2014), “The more noise that there is during an interaction, the more
difficulty the communicators will have focusing on the messages that they are
exchanging and on creating shared meaning” (Section 1.2, para. 22). To be successful,
communicators need to be aware of these noise barriers and limit distractions
as much as possible.
Conflict is not detrimental to a partnership if the shared goal is finding a resolution.
Barriers can be overcome, resulting in a stronger bond. I encountered a misunderstanding
with my sister while she was teaching me to sew. My sister wanted me to sew a
pattern, which I did not comprehend. The details are trivial, but the semantic
noise and psychological noise was astronomical. Heightened emotions and sensitive
feelings clouded the message. By applying shared meaning, we focused on the
clarity of the message rather than the psychological noise. When we
acknowledged our views were only one, we perceived the other’s point-of-view.
We limited semantic noise by adapting our messages to find understanding.
Through sharing the goal and responsibility of communication, we carefully
chose the words to use. Navigating obstacles and finding a mutual resolution strengthened
the friendship.
The Role of Communication Regarding
Self-concept, Self-image, and Self-esteem
Marriage
is one of the most intimate and defining relationships. Interpersonal
communication with one’s partner helps build and sustain one’s self-concept,
self-image, and self-esteem. People should choose partners and close social
contacts who allow them to maintain a positive and healthy self-image. Self-concept
is how one views oneself and how society views an individual and expects that
person to be. Non-verbal and verbal interpersonal communication with our family
and peers shape our culture from birth (Bevan & Sole, 2014).
Self-esteem is the level of contentment one has with their self.
Self-esteem is built and maintained by one’s social network supporting one’s
endeavors and providing positive feedback. Having a social group that accepts
and encourages dramatically impacts one’s self-esteem and this also applies to
negative social groups (Bevan & Sole, 2014).
Intrapersonal
communication and self-esteem are closely-related, as one’s self-talk directly reflects
self-esteem. Self-image is how one views one’s personality, skills, worth, and
appearance (Bevan & Sole, 2014). Bevan and Sole stated, “Self-image is
important because how you think about yourself affects your physical, mental, social,
emotional, and spiritual well-being and how you respond to events in your life”
(2014, section 2.1, para. 20). Without a healthy level of self-concept,
self-esteem, and self-image, one’s intrapersonal and interpersonal
communication may suffer.
A negative psychological state can create barriers to communication, and poor
communication skills an effect one’s mental health. People often project
internal emotions outwardly, so negative feelings can generate relationship
obstacles. Having negative intrapersonal
communication can cause one to be critical of others (Bevan & Sole, 2014).
Someone with low self-esteem, self-image can project negative non-verbal and
verbal messages, which conveys being unapproachable and closed-off. Managing
one’s emotions is a crucial key for intimacy as researchers found, “Emotion
dysregulation represents a significant risk factor for couple relationship
quality for its dramatic impact on intimacy” (Tani, Pascuzzi, & Raffagnino,
2009, p. 12). Individuals that could not regulate emotions refrained from
disclosing information to their partners and fewer feelings of intimacy (Tani,
Pascuzzi, & Raffagnino, 2009).
The Importance of Self-disclosure and
Emotional Intelligence in Relationships
The
information one chooses to share with another is self-disclosure. Each
relationship is different, and the amount of information exchanged varies, but
marriage requires a fair amount of self-disclosure. Terri Orbush stated,
"Research consistently has shown a link between happy marriages and
"self-disclosure," or sharing your private feelings, fears, doubts
and perceptions with your partner" (Schoenberg, 2011, para. 9).
Self-disclosure increases intimacy and creates stronger relationships, but
oversharing can cause issues, so self-regulation is necessary. Researchers
found, “When people talk about a problem repeatedly, it can challenge even the
best support providers’ communication skills. Well-intentioned friends who
normally provide good support may begin to wane in their support efforts, which
could further perpetuate the ruminator’s anxiety and potentially hurt the
relationship” (Afifi, T., Afifi, W., Merill, Denes, & Davis, p. 412).
Oversharing can provide information to leverage and manipulate, so one should
be careful with whom they share. Gaining emotional intelligence will help one
assess the amount of data being exchanged and match the disclosure level
appropriately.
Emotional
intelligence (EI) is, “The abilities to (a) perceive emotions in oneself and
others accurately, (b) use emotions to facilitate thinking, (c) understand
emotions, emotional language, and the signals conveyed by emotions, and (d)
manage emotions so as to attain specific goals” (Mayer, Salovey, & Caruso,
2008, p 506). A high emotional intelligence creates better relationships at
work. Researchers Mayer, Salovey, and Caruso (2008) found that, “Managers
higher in EI are better able to cultivate productive working relationships with
others and to demonstrate greater personal integrity” (p. 511-512). Researchers
discovered that people with higher emotional intelligence have a better
understanding of consequences and capability to preemptively consider the
effects of communication (Mayer, Salovey, & Caruso, 2008). Emotional
intelligence often signifies the presence of other career-oriented skills such
as, “Teamwork, leadership, planning, organizing, and more” (Waldeck, Durante,
Helmuth, & Marcia, 2012, p. 230).
Communication the Impact of Culture
on Interpersonal
Culture
is the set of rules, behaviors, and traditions which determine societal
standards for a group of people. Culture defines appropriate and acceptable
ways to communicate within a group and not acknowledging and conforming to specific
guidelines can cause exclusion (Bevan and Sole, 2014). Communication skills are
formed by culture as Bevan and Sole (2014) explained, “You are, in a sense,
bound by your culture because the words in your language, your vocal
characteristics, your nonverbal communication, and environmental influences can
only be decoded correctly if someone is familiar with the cultural context”
(Section 3.1, para. 7).
Marriage
is the combining of two diverse cultures. Accepting and embracing the
difference will nurture understanding and constructive communication.
Communication competence, “Involves acknowledging and balancing effectiveness
and appropriateness, with a special consideration and appreciation of the
different cultures needed to accomplish this delicate balance” (Bevan &
Sole, 2014, Section 3.4, para. 1). Differences must be acknowledged, considered
and respected, to have successful communication with one’s spouse or any
relationship.
The Impact of Gender on Interpersonal
Communication
Newlyweds
may have some trepidation regarding communicating with their spouse of the
opposite gender. Married couples, scientists, and writers have asserted for
years that extreme communication differences exist between men and women, but
studies have found only slight variations.
Researchers found differences in word choice, such as, “A woman will
often use words like ‘I think’ ‘I feel’ and males are more likely to just say
the fact. Females also use more social words in general. Words like talk,
listen, etc., at much higher rates than males” (Cardinal, Kalina, Bégin, Bauchard, & Vallsa, 2005, 11:46). Researchers
concluded that female participants are more likely to share images about their
close social circle on social media than males, while males were more likely to
post information related to sports (Bond, 2009). Bond (2009) stated, “Women are
more willing to disclose information about themselves in face-to-face
interpersonal communication situations than men” (p. 31). Bond (2009) also reported areas where
similarities exist stating, “No statistically significant gender differences
existed for disclosing images or written information related to religion,
politics, or music/entertainment” (p. 33).
Minimal
gender communication differences exist, so perhaps communicating with one's
spouse is more feasible than previously believed. One author claimed,
"Most research studies investigating the behavior of men and women are
designed around the question: is there a difference? And the presumption is
usually that there will be." (Cameron, 2007, para. 21). Culture defines
gender roles and outdated gender roles are not as rigidly impressed on either
sex. If future research continues to look for similarities in gender
communication, maybe the perceived idea of the gender divide will be
diminished.
Whether gender differences are found to be
minimal or extensive, growing towards androgynous communication will be
beneficial in all relationships. Androgynous communicators access communication
skills of each gender, which creates deeper connections. According to Bevan and
Sole (2014), “An androgynous individual could have more satisfying
relationships than either masculine or feminine individuals because he or she
has the advantage of being able to employ both communication styles with some
degree of skill” (Section 2.2, para. 6). Adapting one’s communication style to match
anyone’s communication skills allows for more meaningful interactions.
Communication Techniques to Resolve
Interpersonal Conflict
In
marriage, conflicts are inevitable, but not all disputes are detrimental as
Bevan and Sole (2014) explained, “Conflict can have important benefits that can
strengthen a relationship and might even be desirable… and can lead to the
personal growth of both parties—as long as negative communication is aimed at
the other person's specific behavior and not at the whole person” (Section 9.2,
para. 17). Conflict is considered resolved if both communicators decide to end
the dispute, both parties are satisfied with the resolution, and both agree to
refrain from discussing the issue any further.
There
are several guidelines to follow when conflict occurs. It is essential to
choose the appropriate setting to address issues. Using “I” statements and
considering emotions as information keeps the issue in the primary focus,
rather than attacking the person. One should focus on positive statements as,
“Dis-confirming messages that criticize individuals’ choices, blame them for
their stress, or invalidate their feelings and perspectives likely reinforce
their negative view of the self. The dis-confirming messages may exacerbate
their beliefs that they are the source of the problem, increasing their anxiety
and dissatisfaction with the relationship (Afifi et al., 2013, p. 400). Partnerships
are strengthened by disagreements when resolution occurs. Unresolved
conflict creates resentment, repetitive arguments, increased relationship
dissatisfaction, and added stress (Bevan & Sole, 2014). There may be some
truth in the marital advice, “Don’t go to bed angry.”
Every
relationship experiences conflict inevitably; therefore, learning conflict
resolution will prove beneficial in many settings. In the work setting,
researchers advise employers to, “Be hyper-aware of their strengths and
weaknesses, prepared to deal with challenges and disagreements, and willing and
able to integrate diverse viewpoints into formal business conversation”
(Waldeck, Durante, Helmuth, Marcia, 2012, p. 236). Awareness of one’s weaknesses
and clarity in one’s message delivery is essential, but active empathic
listening is imperative when communicating. Active empathic listening involves
genuinely sensing, processing and responding to another. Active empathic
listening allows one’s partner to feel supported which helps the partner deal
with stress and feel psychologically healthy (Bevan & Sole, 2014).
Communication
is the key to creating intimacy and strengthening the marriage bond. Each
partner needs to respect each other, accept cultural differences and apply
communication principles to communicate competently. Having positive
self-esteem and self-image will give one the confidence to be vulnerable and
share with one’s partner and contribute positivity to the relationship. Active
empathic listening supports one’s partner and diminishes many noise barriers.
Johnson (2011) stated, “All relationships require effort and attention. Beyond
what is automatic, for most relationships, we usually need to put attention and
effort into them, and it pays off” (p. 18). Cheryl and John, I hope you find
this information useful as you take the next step to solidify your
relationship. I wish you many years of friendship, love, and healthy
communication.
References
Aififi, T., Afifi, W., Merill, A.,
Denes, A., & Davis, S. (2013). “You need to stop talking about this!”:
Verbal rumination and the costs of social support. Human Communication Research, 39, 395-421).
Bevan, J. L., & Sole, K. (2014). Making connections: Understanding
interpersonal communication (2nd ed.) [Electronic version]. Retrieved from
https://content.ashford.edu/
Bond, B. (2009) He posted, she
posted: Gender difference in self-disclosure on social network sites. Rocky Mountain Communication Review, 6(2), 29-37.
Cameron, D. (2007, October). What
language barrier? The Guardian.
Retrieved from http://www.theguardian.com/world/2007/oct/01/gender.books
Cardinal, M., Kalina, J.(Writers),
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the sexes: Language, [Video segment]. Retrieved from
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Johnson, T. D. (2011, March).
Healthy relationships lead to better lives. The
Nation’s Health, 41(2), 20.
Retrieved from http://thenationshealth.aphapublications.org/site/healthyyou/HealthyYouRelationships.pdf
Ketchum, C. (n.d.). Active empathic
listening [Webinar]. Retrieved from http://login.ashford.edu
Mayer, J., Salovey, P., &
Caruso, D. (2008). Emotional intelligence:
New ability or eclectic traits? American
Psychologist, 63(6), 503-517.
doi: 10.1037/0003-066X.63.6.503
Tani, F., Pascuzzi, D., &
Raffagnino, R. (2015). Emotion regulation and quality of close relationship:
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Schoenberg, N. (2011, January 14).
Can we talk? Chicago Tribune. Retrieved
from http://www.chicagotribune.com/
Waldeck, J., Durante, C., Helmuth,
B., & Marcia, B. (2012). Communication in a changing world: Contemporary
perspectives on business communication competence. Journal of Education for Business, 87(4), 230-240. doi: 10.1080/08832323.2011
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